Casey is being an asshole at work. Our hours are being cut. Tina was sick and cancelled her Thursday appointments and then I didn't get a reminder call on Friday for Monday's appointment. I've been obsessing about it all weekend, along the lines of, "Is she very, very ill?" "Did they forget to call or did they need to wait to call because they weren't sure if she'd be in..." and to make matters worse, I am the first appointment of the day so I don't have time to call in in the morning to check. I thought maybe they would call today to confirm or cancel, but no call. I left a message with the office, but my appt is at 8:30 and 8am is when they open, and it's 20 minutes away so I don't want to wait, so I guess I'll just drive over there first thing and just see. So being unsure of whether I have therapy or not is stress provoking.

Last night, at grandmom's, we were talking about how Laura went to visit dad over father's day weekend. It turned into a 2 hour, tearful and kind of awkward retelling of the abuse my mother suffered under my father and revelations of his "perversion". Apparantly, when they were married, his younger sister, who would have been 12 or 14 at the time, came to stay with them and he molested her. Her father (my dad's father) had molested her as well.

So, I'm decended from a child molester. And my mother said, very cryptically, "she told me he asked her to do this thing...five things that aren't common...and I knew she was telling me the truth because he asked me the same thing in the same order and I just pushed him away".

WTF?

Then my grandmother tells me that my dad's father, Otis, ran his finger down her spine while they were at the hospital waiting for me to be born.

Then my mother tells me that the mark on her head (she has a big spot that is a transplant of skin that doesn't grow hair so she wears a wig...but she's always had a little sore/discoloration/thing) was from when he hit her on the head with his fist. Which is a big deal in more than just the obvious way because there is just this tiny layer of tissue there...it really doesn't heal...right below it is her skull.

And my grandmother told how he pushed my mother over and into a wall.

And my grandmother kept saying that mom should "tell her"..."Tell her everything". And mom is saying, "No. That is the past. I will only say the things she needs to know for her protection" and mom wants me to tell Laura about the pervert/molestation thing because apparently, when she was down there visiting, he had her sit on his lap. (WTF??) and that was something that he did with the sister, too.

So I said at one point, "Well, that doesn't surprise me to be honest because I've always felt weird about him in that way", meaning sexually.

And my mother said, "Well, I never thought he did anything with you or I wouldn't have left youj alone with him--I thought he was only into older children---but I don't know..." and my grandmother pipes up, "And if he did, that would explain a lot of what's going on with you, wouldn't it, because that could cause that."

WHAT THE FUCK?

So I get home and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Not over any one thing in particular, just the whole thing. And I call my sister. Who is at her friend's house and in the middle of trying to calm Christina and her two children down because the husband has just left them. But she can tell by the tone of my voice that something is wrong, so she tells me to go ahead and tell her what they said anyway. So I did. Yeah.

And her fiance called her drunk and asked to come home (she has kicked him out for a while) as she was talking to me on the cell on her way home. And we were both like, "Okay. Plate full. Holy shit!" But the only reason I didn't cut myself is because she kept calling me back. I didn't tell her I was going to or wanted to, but I think we both needed to hear each other talk. I was just so wound up. I told her everything that had happened this week and she did as well and we are not having the best week ever.

I'm glad I told my sister because she was kind of defending dad, which is understandable because she was just there with him, you know. She said we don't know for sure what did or didn't happen, which is totally true, but that of course, he is a bastard nonetheless and is a billion points in the hole as far as we are concerned.

And I don't know if I have therapy or not tomorrow. Or if my therapist is healthy or not healthy. Or why my OCD symptoms are raging and not letting me chill out too much about that.

So I'm on chapter four of the new Harry Potter. It's darker than the first 3, but very similar to the tone of the fourth book, which is proper. I actually smiled when I first saw Ron and Hermione. I've missed'em:)

So. Yeah. That's what is going on with me.