Winter Chill...
Scarf memories and Gracie-philia
(2003-07-13, 1:41 a.m.)
She said she put a mask over the little child's face so that she wouldn't talk in the car. One of those oxygen masks/sars masks. She laughed.

My muscles tensed and I stopped breathing. Instantly, I was there: back there in the kitchen, my back to her as she tied the scarf in my mouth.

I couldn't help but think to myself, "Why would you say this to me out loud? Didn't you read my webpage where I mentioned how horrible that was for me?"

I didn't really respond at all. My grandmother said, "You shouldn't leave those on a long time because of problems with breathing."

My mother, obviously annoyed that we weren't laughing at her little story said, "I don't keep her anymore."


Amazing how it can still affect me. Amazing how she still gives me verbal reminders of the way she was and how she does it with no guilt or any sense that she may be wrong.

It makes me want to hurt her. But she has been hurt enough by her own self.

My sister told me she vomitted up her supper a few nights ago. She said, "I don't know why I did it--I mean I do know" but said since she hadn't done it in so long, her body was very violent about it and she burst some capillaries in her eyes. She said she wasn't going to do it anymore.

I had a dream that my therapist saw me in a different office, sitting behind me at a desk and I sat on a couch facing away from her, talking through a window. If I remember correctly, someone else came in and I think she told them they had to leave because it wasn't their appointment time. Something like, "Yes, your appointment is at Three"

Driving on the interstate, cutting across to try to make an entrance onto the interstate, pooring rain and I turn on my wipers very, very fast.

I ate two double cheeseburgers and a big mac for supper. My size 12s are barely fitting.

I have been gracieallen obsessed for the weekend. Bought an autographed picture for 899.00 on Visa. I shouldn't have done it. It's worth that: worth far more, probably. But I will never sell it and I did not need to buy it.

My sister's fiance's birthday party is tomorrow. We always go all out: themes, special things, etc and his family might just remember to get him a card. So this year, we're taking him into our family. It's weird: thinking of things for someone I don't really know much about. Stressful in a way.

I forgot to take my second Xanax today. Maybe this is a sign that the Klonopin is working.

I bought a new shower head about a week ago. It's one of those rain ones that is like a big platter. I like it. It goes well in my newly cleaned bathroom.

I also dreamt that I was the one who would have to leave to go to Rehab to work instead of Jim. I was terrified. It seemed very real.

I had forgotten all about but just rediscovered Instead. It's an alternative to tampons and pads. It's a little cup that sits right behind your pubic bone behind your cervix. You don't feel it at all, there is no smell, and it just collects the blood. You can leave it in for up to 12 hours. Then you just pull it out. It is wonderful. I hadn't been able to find it for some time, but I found it at Walmart.

Well, it's nearly 2 am. I guess I'm semi-done with my traumatic experiences of the weekend. I must retire.